“When did you get your kids a cell-phone?” Amanda asked me last week. I’d just given a talk on middle school parenting preparedness to a community group in her town. It focused on the bumpy, winding, road they were about to enter, the epic growth they were about to witness, and how they can shift their parenting practices to help their kids do the task of early adolescent development - grapple with and begin to answer the three big adolescent questions:
- Who Am I?
- How can I connect with others?
- How can I contribute / How can I add value?
The point of this is to give parents the information they need to decode and understand their tween’s behavior, and learn how to respond in ways that deepen their relationship and support their kid’s needs. This includes understanding and responding to their expressed desire for a phone.
Over the years, I’ve learned how to decode parent’s questions. Amanda really didn’t care when my kids got phones - hell, I faced this question ten years ago when nobody knew anything, “social media” hadn’t been added to Webster's dictionary, and kids were just figuring out how and why to use them!
Like so many parents, Amanda was searching for a simple answer and/or a justification for what she wanted to do - the rationale goes something like this:
‘if Sarah, the expert I just heard, gave her kids a phone at X time, then I can defend my leanings/decision’.
Or, conversely
‘if Sarah got her kids a phone at X time and regrets it, then I can justify my “No” stance with my kid/sister/partner/friend’.
Either way, my answer (if she could pull it out of me) would be her “Get out of Jail Free and Skip to the front of the line” card, close the case, and move on.
But sadly, life with a tween is not a Monopoly game - you can’t draw a lucky card, skip the hard work of learning and change, and move on expecting chirpy birds, butterflies, and a middle schooler who thinks you’re amazing!
Bummer. If only it could be so easy.
The phone question is complicated because there are compelling pros and cons. A smart phone is a gateway to a broader digital world that can affect everything from sleep and mental health to friendships and academic focus. It can also help kids stay connected with family and friends, build independence, and provide a safety net for emergencies. So, coming up with an answer that’s best for you and your child requires a bit of work and forethought.
How to approach it
“Success” is dependent on an accurate assessment of your child’s maturity and the extent of your preparation.
Getting a phone means managing new responsibilities: balancing screen time, handling social pressures, protecting privacy, and developing healthy tech habits. Research shows early smartphone access can impact sleep, anxiety levels, and in-person connections.
Some considerations include:
- Does your kid show a sense of responsibility, such as letting you know when they leave your home? Do they show up when they say they will?
- Does your kid tend to lose things, such as backpacks or homework folders? If so, expect they might lose a phone, too.
- Does your kid need to be in touch for safety reasons?
- Does your kid's school or school district have laws or rules restricting the use of cell phones? (checkhere)
- Would having easy access to friends benefit them for social reasons?
- Do you think they'll use a cellphone responsibly — for example, not texting during class or disturbing others with their phone conversations?
- How closely will they follow the boundaries you've set for when, where, and how long they can use their phone?
- Will they use text, photo, and video functions responsibly and not to embarrass or harass others?
- Have you thought through specific boundaries such as establishing “no-phones” zones (during meals, in the car, while doing homework, between certain hours, while visiting grandparents, etc.)
- How ready are YOU to lead by example and live by the same rules you’re putting in place for your kids?
According to research, the average age US kids get their first phone is around 11. There has been a growing movement in school districts across the country to limit cell-phone use in school, driven by concerns about student focus, mental health, and potential negative impacts of excessive time and social media on young, growing brains.
For this reason, many experts recommend waiting until age 13 or older to ensure kids have the emotional maturity to handle the responsibility.
But, sadly, there's no one-size-fits-all answer. Your family's specific needs and your child's readiness matter more than any particular number.
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