I was at a friend's summer cocktail party last weekend. The host, an old friend, introduced me to her friend Laura, whose daughter is headed into middle school this fall. I cringe when friends introduce me as a parenting expert, especially at a social event. People like to talk about their kids and share what they're up to ... unless you're a "parenting expert". The minute that tidbit is known, people start avoiding me like I've got a contagious disease! So, I try to keep this on the down low until it's either relevant or helpful.
But Susan wasn't having it. "Sarah, you have to meet my friend Laura! Her daughter, Sophie, is headed into 7th grade this fall!" she said with a huge smile. Then she turned to Laura and loudly whispered in her ear, "I promise. Sarah can help. She'll totally calm your nerves."
Nice set up, huh? WTF, Suz (I thought to myself)!
So we chatted. I learned that Laura was like most parents I help: anxious about the change she knows is coming and feeling unprepared to support these changes in her budding adolescent. And, I got the question I often get when time is tight (like a 'small talk' session at a summer cocktail party): "If you had just one piece of advice for me, what would it be?"
I hate this question because there is NO SILVER BULLET to successful parenting through middle school.
So I said to Laura, "I can tell you three things that might make a meaningful difference."
Here's what I told her
1. Your child's middle school years are an invitation to change - yes - YOU need to change for it to go well. Your child needs you to engage with her differently than you have been because your parenting role has changed. Instead of a caregiver, you need to become a companion.
2. Her behavior - and you're likely to see lots of new behavior - is driven primarily by needs (met or not met). If you understand the fundamental needs of middle school development, you'll be able to decode her behavior and anticipate or respond to her more effectively.
3. Create new ways to connect daily. Rituals are the easiest way to do this, but it has to be something she likes too.
You remember the days of scraped knees, bedtime stories, and enthusiastic hugs. Now, you’re living with a middle schooler. Connection can feel … different. The hugs may have been replaced by a side-eye, lengthy stories with a one-word grunt, and their bedroom door is often a closed-off fortress. It’s a strange new world, and it’s easy to feel like you’re losing the thread that ties you together.
But what if you could reconnect without forcing awkward conversations or triggering the dreaded eye-roll? The secret lies in creating simple, consistent rituals. These aren’t grand gestures; they are tiny, repeated moments embedded in your day that fly under their radar, sending a clear signal: I see you. I get you. We’re still a team.
For a middle schooler navigating a whirlwind of social pressures, hormonal changes, and a desperate need for independence, these small anchors of predictability can be more powerful than ever.
Beyond “Fine”: Connection Strategies for the Middle School Years
Let’s be honest: some of the sweet rituals you had with your 7-year-old will earn you a look of pure horror from your 12-year-old. It’s time to adapt your strategy. Here are some low-risk, high-reward rituals designed for the unique landscape of the middle school years.
1. Upgrade the After-School Question - You already know that “How was your day?” is a conversational dead end. The inevitable answer is “fine.”
- The Upgrade: Try the “One-Word Check-in.” Ask, “Give me one word for your day.” It’s a low-pressure prompt that invites reflection. Whether they say “boring,” “hilarious,” or “stressful,” you have a real starting point. A simple follow-up like, “What made it stressful?” can open the door.
2. The Driveway Debrief - The car can be a magical space for connection. With no direct eye contact required, kids often feel more comfortable opening up.
- The Ritual: Instead of rushing out of the car after school or activities, pause for a minute or two. Put on a song you both like, or just sit in silence. This shared moment of decompression can create a space for them to volunteer information without feeling interrogated.
3. The Low-Key Physical Connection - While they might dodge a full hug in front of their friends, your middle schooler still needs physical connection.
- The Ritual: Opt for the subtle and quick. A fist bump as they head out the door, a quick shoulder squeeze while they’re doing homework, or a high-five after they’ve helped with a chore. These are small, grounding moments that say “I’ve got your back” without being overwhelming.
4. Speak Their Language: The Daily Meme or Song Share - Your middle schooler lives online. Meet them where they are.
- The Ritual: Make it a daily habit to text them one funny (and parent-appropriate) meme, TikTok, or a song you think they might like. It’s a simple bid for connection that says, “I was thinking of you,” in a language they fluently speak. Don't be surprised if they start sending them back.
5. Master the Screen-Time Pause - It’s the classic scene: you call their name, and they answer with their eyes glued to a screen.
- The Ritual: Instead of talking to the top of their head, walk over, and gently say their name. Wait until they physically look up at you. Then, smile before you make your request. This small shift changes the dynamic from a demand to a moment of human connection. It respects their focus and makes them far more likely to cooperate.
6. The Late-Night Check-in - The bedtime tuck-in is likely a thing of the past. But you can still create a ritual to end the day.
- The Ritual: Before you go to bed, do a quick check-in. Just pop your head in their room and say, “Goodnight, love you,” or ask, “Anything you need before I turn in?” This brief point of contact reinforces your presence and love, even as they navigate their independence.
Why These Tiny Rituals Are Brain-Building Magic
This isn't just fluff; it's backed by science. For a middle schooler, the brain is undergoing a massive renovation, especially in the areas that control emotion and decision-making. Neuroscience shows that these small, positive interactions help regulate their emotional roller coaster and build resilience. When they experience predictable moments of connection, their nervous system learns that home is a safe base to return to after the daily storms of school and social life. A simple fist bump before a big test can genuinely help lower their stress.
The Golden Rule: Be Flexible (and Don't Take the Eye-Roll Personally)
Perfection is not the goal. What your 11-year-old finds hilarious, your 14-year-old may declare “cringe.” Be a student of your child. If a ritual starts to feel forced or gets a consistently negative reaction, don’t push it. Let it go and try something new. The goal is the feeling of connection, not the flawless execution of a specific action. Consistency over time matters more than getting it perfect every single day.
These rituals are the quiet threads you weave into the fabric of your relationship. They won't solve every middle school problem, but they create a deep and enduring sense of belonging that will support your child through these turbulent years and beyond.
So, what’s one tiny ritual you can try this week?
© 2025 Parenting Genius. All Rights Reserved
Navigating the complex world of parenting tweens often leaves us contemplating pivotal questions, none more pressing perhaps than when to give them their first cell phone. It’s not simply about handing over a device; it’s about grappling with its impact on everything from sleep and mental health to friendships and academic focus. This blog post explores essential considerations that parents must ponder—such as their child’s maturity, responsibility with personal items, and the potential social and safety benefits of being connected. With insights into the pros and cons of early smartphone access, it challenges parents to think deeply about their child's readiness and their own preparedness to guide positive tech habits. Dive into this comprehensive guide to discover how turning this decision into a thoughtful dialogue can strengthen your relationship with your tween and aid in their early adolescent development.
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Source: The Guardian
Teenagers increasingly taking breaks as they control own use of devices rather than relying on parents to enforce limits, experts say
Children are increasingly taking breaks from their smartphones to better manage their mental health, personal safety and concentration spans, research has revealed.
They are reacting to growing concerns that spending too much time online can be harmful by taking control of their own social media and smartphone use rather than relying on parents to enforce limits, according to experts.
The number of 12- to 15-year-olds who take breaks from smartphones, computers and iPads rose by 18% to 40% since 2022, according to the audience research company GWI, drawing on a survey of 20,000 young people and their parents across 18 countries.
Prof Sonia Livingstone, the director of the LSE’s Digital Futures for Children centre, said these findings were echoed in soon to be published research, which has found that children and young people are trying various options to manage how their online lives affect their wellbeing, including taking a break from social media, distracting themselves from negativity online, seeking more positive experiences on the internet and in some cases quitting social media altogether.
Livingstone said: “Children have got the message – from their parents, the media, their own experiences – that too much social media isn’t always good for them.
“So they are experimenting with different ways of protecting their wellbeing, without wanting to give up on social media entirely. I’m sure they’re talking to each other about what works for them and figuring out the way ahead.”
Daisy Greenwell, the co-founder of Smartphone Free Childhood, said she was increasingly speaking to young people who were “questioning the idea that growing up online is inevitable”.
She said: “We regularly hear from teenagers who are exhausted by the pressure of being permanently connected and who are choosing to step back for their own mental health.
“Many of them are waking up to the fact that these platforms aren’t neutral. They’re designed to manipulate attention … They are realising that their time, focus and self-esteem are being monetised by some of the world’s biggest companies. Taking a break has become an act of rebellion.”
This is reflected in Ofcom research. A report from 2024 found that a third (33%) of eight- to 17-year-olds who are online think their screen time is too high, while another found that 47% of 16- to 24-year-olds who use social media deactivate notifications and used “do not disturb” mode, an increase from 40% in 2023, and compared with 28% of older adult users.
This is reflected in Ofcom research. A report from 2024 found that a third (33%) of eight- to 17-year-olds who are online think their screen time is too high, while another found that 47% of 16- to 24-year-olds who use social media deactivate notifications and used “do not disturb” mode, an increase from 40% in 2023, and compared with 28% of older adult users.
Thirty-four per cent of younger people were more likely to take a deliberate break from social media (compared with 23% who said they would not do this), 29% would delete apps because they spend too much time on them (compared with 19% who would not), and 24% would delete apps for their mental health (compared with 13% who would not).
David Ellis, a professor of behavioural science at the University of Bath, noted that teenagers may have discovered the features that let people control their time on social media and smartphones more quickly than their parents – though evidence that these features change behaviour in the long term was mixed, he said.
Ellis said: “If someone is going to spend less time sitting in front of a screen and instead increase their levels of physical activity, then most people would probably view that as a net positive. On the other hand, that time could be replaced by something else less beneficial.”
Young people aged 18 to 25 who spoke to the Guardian previously said they felt their “parent’s generation didn’t have a clue” and had granted them too much access to smartphones too young, while several said they would restrict access for their own children until their late teens.
A recent poll found that almost half of young people would rather live in a world where the internet did not exist and a similar proportion would support a digital curfew, while more than three-quarters felt worse about themselves after using social media.
The GWI research also found that social media addiction ranked among parents’ top three fears for their children from a list that included climate change, war and the cost of housing, while 8% said they had become tougher about screen-time limits after watching the hit Netflix show Adolescence about the dangers of online misogyny.
© 2025 Parenting Genius. All Rights Reserved
In a sweeping legislative trend, a majority of U.S. states have now adopted laws regulating or outright banning cellphone use in schools, as concerns grow over their impact on students' mental health and attention spans. From Florida pioneering these regulations to states like New York and Oklahoma swiftly following suit, the movement underscores a bipartisan agreement that phones pose serious challenges to students' well-being and education. With 26 states already on board and more considering similar measures, the debate intensifies over whether to enforce all-day school bans or allow districts the flexibility to set their own rules. These legislative actions are not without controversy, as parents and students raise concerns about communication during emergencies and the potential for excessive restrictions. Dive into the intricate landscape of cellphone regulations and explore how these new laws may reshape the educational environment across the nation.
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Welcome to the exhilarating adventure of navigating the tumultuous world of middle school parenting, where your once-adoring child suddenly transforms into an enigmatic creature, seemingly sealed away behind an invisible barrier. In this thrilling stage of development, their brains are undergoing rapid wiring, their emotions are akin to a rollercoaster, and peer relationships take center stage, often eclipsing parental influence. Discover the secrets to keeping that critical connection alive, from mastering the art of the "un-conversation" to the delicate balance of granting space while asserting your role as a reliable anchor. Uncover strategies that transform you into the safe haven they unconsciously crave, even when they seem determined to assert their independence and individuality. Explore this insightful guide to making the most of the fantastical chaos and ensuring a strong, enduring bond through their middle school metamorphosis.
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