The world lost a remarkable human yesterday. Dr. Jane Goodall, the pioneering primatologist who spent decades sitting patiently in the forests of Gombe, passed away at 91, leaving behind a legacy that extends far beyond her revolutionary discoveries about chimpanzee behavior. While we celebrate her contributions to conservation and our understanding of our closest evolutionary relatives, parents have reason to pay particular attention to another dimension of her brilliance: what she observed about raising young — both chimp and human. Dr. Goodall was particularly interested in chimpanzee rearing practices and documented them meticulously throughout her decades of research. Her landmark studies at Gombe transformed scientific understanding of chimp mother-infant-child bonds and family dynamics.
Here's the wonderful irony: While many parenting experts have built careers on theories spun from conference rooms and clinical observations, Goodall learned some of parenting's most profound truths by watching chimpanzee mothers in the wild. And about those observations? They align beautifully with the Parenting Genius method — the 10 essential skills that transform how we guide our adolescents through the turbulent, hilarious, occasionally hair-raising journey to adulthood.
What a Woman Who Lived with Chimps Can Teach Us About Raising our Tweens & Teens.
Let's be clear: Your tween/teen is not a chimpanzee (though on certain Monday mornings, you might wonder.) But Goodall understood something fundamental — that the behaviors and needs of young primates share striking similarities to the needs of human adolescents, whether they're swinging through trees or scrolling through TikTok. She watched chimp mothers navigate the same challenges human parents face: How much protection is too much? How do you build trust? When do you let go?
Her answer, refined through thousands of hours of observation and applied to raising her own son, Grub, provides a masterclass in the 10 core competencies of Parenting Genius (plus the Bonus!).
10 Skills to Parenting Genius: Goodall's Wild Validation
1. Emotional Attunement
Goodall discovered that the most successful chimp mothers possessed an almost supernatural ability to read their infants' emotional states. They knew when their young needed comfort versus when they needed space. Sound familiar? This is emotional attunement—the capacity to tune into your adolescent's emotional frequency even when they're broadcasting on static. When your 13-year-old says "I'm fine" in that particular tone, you know they're anything but. That's Goodall-level observation at work.
2. Active Listening
In the forest, Goodall didn't just watch chimps; she listened — to their vocalizations, their silences,
the rustle of leaves that signaled their movements. She understood that communication is multidimensional. Similarly, active listening with adolescents means hearing not just their words but the emotions underneath, the body language, the things they're not saying when they slam that door. It's listening with your full attention, even when they're explaining Minecraft drama for the 47th time.
the rustle of leaves that signaled their movements. She understood that communication is multidimensional. Similarly, active listening with adolescents means hearing not just their words but the emotions underneath, the body language, the things they're not saying when they slam that door. It's listening with your full attention, even when they're explaining Minecraft drama for the 47th time.3. Companioning
Here's where Goodall's work becomes almost poetic. She observed that chimp mothers didn't just supervise and teach their young — they accompanied them. They were present, moving through the forest alongside their adolescents, available but not plowing or hovering. This is companioning: being a steady, reliable, positive presence in your adolescent's life without trying to control or direct every moment. You're the experienced traveler walking beside them on their journey, not the plow removing hurdles or a helicopter circling overhead ready to swoop in at any moment.
4. Repairing
Goodall documented something revolutionary: even the best chimp mothers made mistakes. They got frustrated. They occasionally misjudged situations. But the successful ones had a remarkable ability to repair those ruptures— to reach out, reconnect, and restore trust with their young, and with other himchimp adults.
"They’re very good at reconciliation after conflict. We don’t seem to be very good at that. We hold grudges. We fight wars. We have conflict all over the world today. So, if we were a little bit better just making things up without continuing to fight about them or hold grudges."
Your adolescent doesn't need perfect parenting; they need a parent who can admit "I messed that up" and work to make it right. That's repairing, and it's pure Goodall wisdom.
5. Decoding Behavior
This was Goodall's genius: She looked at behavior not as random or defiant, but as communication. When a young chimp acted out, she asked: What need is driving this? Are they hungry, scared, seeking status, craving connection? Human aolescent behavior works the same way. That eye-roll isn't just teenage attitude—it might be exhaustion, overwhelm, or a clumsy attempt to assert independence. When you can decode behavior to understand the underlying need, knowing how to respond effectively becomes much easier.
6. Boundary Setting and Holding
Don't let Goodall's gentle demeanor fool you—she observed that effective chimp mothers set clear boundaries and held them. Young chimps who were allowed to do anything, anywhere, anytime? They struggled. Those with firm, consistent limits? They thrived. Our human adolescents are no different. They're testing boundaries not because they want them removed (despite the thunderous sigh when you make them put their phone away at 10PM), but because they need to know they're solid. A tweens search for boundaries can seem clumsy - they push until they bump up against them. And when they do, they have clarity and a sense of safety. Boundaries are love made visible.
7. Giving Feedback / Reflecting Back
Goodall noticed that chimp mothers provided constant, gentle feedback to their young through gestures, vocalizations, and demonstrations. They showed their infants what worked and what didn't, acting as mirrors. Effective parenting of adolescents requires the same skill: reflecting back what you observe without judgment. "I noticed you seemed stressed when you talked about the math test" creates space and information that builds self-awareness, which contributes to identity development. When you notice that something is particularly easy for them, or they seem to really enjoy something, tell them! They uncover who they are, in part, by what you tell them. It's observation as gift.
8. Motivation
Here's a surprise: Goodall found that chimp mothers motivated not through force but through encouragement, modeling, and reassurance. They made activities look engaging; they celebrated small victories; they created conditions where their young wanted to try new things. Our adolescents respond well to the same approach. Intrinsic motivation—the kind that comes from within and lasts — comes from connection, autonomy, and seeing possibilities, not from threats about their permanent record. And the highest motivations come when parents communicate high standards, a strong belief in a child's ability, and the support to achieve the goal at hand.
9. Self-Knowledge
Goodall spent years observing not just chimps but her own reactions, biases, and triggers. She understood that to be effective in her work, she needed deep self-awareness. The same applies to parenting your adolescents. Your teenager's behavior will activate your own childhood wounds, insecurities, and fears. Self-knowledge means recognizing your triggers, when you're reacting from your own stuff rather than responding to what your child actually needs. It's hard work. Goodall would approve.
10. Self-Regulation
In the forest, Goodall remained calm in situations that would terrify most people—charging chimps, territorial disputes, unpredictable wildlife. She regulated her own emotional responses to stay present and observant. Parenting adolescents requires the same superpower. When your teenager pushes every button you have (and some you didn't know existed), self-regulation allows you to respond rather than react. It's the ability to be the calm in their storm.
BONUS! Building and Nurturing an Adult Ecosystem of Support
Perhaps Goodall's most profound observation was this: Successful chimp mothers didn't raise their young in isolation. She observed female chimpanzees offer each other support while raising their young, and documented instances of mothers receiving attentive care for her offspring but other femal chimps. Not only was the mother chimp supported by a community of her peers, young chimps were surrounded by a community too —aunties, older siblings, tolerant males, peers. They learned from multiple adults, creating resilience and diverse perspectives.
You need an ecosystem of support to be a successful parent - no matter how you define success. You simply can't - and should not - do this alone. Create a group or join an existing pod, and make sure you've got easy access to experts and specialists. It'll keep your worry in check, your sense of humor high, your sanity in tact, and your kids on a positive path. This is a long journey.
Build that pod you can lean on. Goodall showed us why it matters.
From Gombe to Your Living Room
The beautiful thing about Goodall's legacy is its accessibility. All she needed was some critical questions, a few key skills, patience, curiosity, a willingness to observe deeply and accept the truthes that were revealed. The same tools that helped her revolutionize primatology can transform your parenting.
Learn what to focus on, gain a few key age-spefic skills, and watch your adolescent the way Goodall watched her chimps:
With curiosity, not judgment.
With patience, not frustration.
With the understanding that behavior is communication, that development takes time, and that your presence matters more than your perfection.
Goodall once said that what you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.
In parenting, that difference starts with these 11 skills— with seeing your adolescent clearly, meeting them where they are, and guiding them with the wisdom that comes from deep observation and deeper love.
A Fitting Farewell
As we bid farewell to Dr. Jane Goodall, we celebrate not just her scientific achievements but her gift for paying attention—to chimps, to patterns, to the fundamental needs that connect all young beings. She spent her life showing us that when we observe with care and respond with wisdom, we unlock potential we didn't know existed.
Your adolescent doesn't need you to be Jane Goodall. But they do need you to bring some of her spirit into your parenting: the curiosity, the patience, the willingness to learn, grow, and see behavior as information rather than defiance. They need you to master these 11 skills not perfectly, but persistently.
And maybe, just maybe, when parenting feels impossible—when you're certain you're failing at this whole raising-humans thing—you can remember the woman who sat in the African forest, watching chimps with extraordinary patience, and discovered that the answers were there all along. Waiting to be observed. Waiting to be applied. Waiting to change everything.
Thank you, Dr. Goodall. For the chimps, for the planet, and for showing parents everywhere what becomes possible when we truly pay attention.
Rest well in the forest of eternal wisdom. Your legacy lives on in every parent who chooses connection over control, observation over assumption, and love over fear.
© 2025 Parenting Genius. All Rights Reserved
I was at a friend's summer cocktail party last weekend. The host, an old friend, introduced me to her friend Laura, whose daughter is headed into middle school this fall. I cringe when friends introduce me as a parenting expert, especially at a social event. People like to talk about their kids and share what they're up to ... unless you're a "parenting expert". The minute that tidbit is known, people start avoiding me like I've got a contagious disease! So, I try to keep this on the down low until it's either relevant or helpful.
But Susan wasn't having it. "Sarah, you have to meet my friend Laura! Her daughter, Sophie, is headed into 7th grade this fall!" she said with a huge smile. Then she turned to Laura and loudly whispered in her ear, "I promise. Sarah can help. She'll totally calm your nerves."
Nice set up, huh? WTF, Suz (I thought to myself)!
So we chatted. I learned that Laura was like most parents I help: anxious about the change she knows is coming and feeling unprepared to support these changes in her budding adolescent. And, I got the question I often get when time is tight (like a 'small talk' session at a summer cocktail party): "If you had just one piece of advice for me, what would it be?"
I hate this question because there is NO SILVER BULLET to successful parenting through middle school.
So I said to Laura, "I can tell you three things that might make a meaningful difference."
Here's what I told her
1. Your child's middle school years are an invitation to change - yes - YOU need to change for it to go well. Your child needs you to engage with her differently than you have been because your parenting role has changed. Instead of a caregiver, you need to become a companion.
2. Her behavior - and you're likely to see lots of new behavior - is driven primarily by needs (met or not met). If you understand the fundamental needs of middle school development, you'll be able to decode her behavior and anticipate or respond to her more effectively.
3. Create new ways to connect daily. Rituals are the easiest way to do this, but it has to be something she likes too.
You remember the days of scraped knees, bedtime stories, and enthusiastic hugs. Now, you’re living with a middle schooler. Connection can feel … different. The hugs may have been replaced by a side-eye, lengthy stories with a one-word grunt, and their bedroom door is often a closed-off fortress. It’s a strange new world, and it’s easy to feel like you’re losing the thread that ties you together.
But what if you could reconnect without forcing awkward conversations or triggering the dreaded eye-roll? The secret lies in creating simple, consistent rituals. These aren’t grand gestures; they are tiny, repeated moments embedded in your day that fly under their radar, sending a clear signal: I see you. I get you. We’re still a team.
For a middle schooler navigating a whirlwind of social pressures, hormonal changes, and a desperate need for independence, these small anchors of predictability can be more powerful than ever.
Beyond “Fine”: Connection Strategies for the Middle School Years
Let’s be honest: some of the sweet rituals you had with your 7-year-old will earn you a look of pure horror from your 12-year-old. It’s time to adapt your strategy. Here are some low-risk, high-reward rituals designed for the unique landscape of the middle school years.
1. Upgrade the After-School Question - You already know that “How was your day?” is a conversational dead end. The inevitable answer is “fine.”
- The Upgrade: Try the “One-Word Check-in.” Ask, “Give me one word for your day.” It’s a low-pressure prompt that invites reflection. Whether they say “boring,” “hilarious,” or “stressful,” you have a real starting point. A simple follow-up like, “What made it stressful?” can open the door.
2. The Driveway Debrief - The car can be a magical space for connection. With no direct eye contact required, kids often feel more comfortable opening up.
- The Ritual: Instead of rushing out of the car after school or activities, pause for a minute or two. Put on a song you both like, or just sit in silence. This shared moment of decompression can create a space for them to volunteer information without feeling interrogated.
3. The Low-Key Physical Connection - While they might dodge a full hug in front of their friends, your middle schooler still needs physical connection.
- The Ritual: Opt for the subtle and quick. A fist bump as they head out the door, a quick shoulder squeeze while they’re doing homework, or a high-five after they’ve helped with a chore. These are small, grounding moments that say “I’ve got your back” without being overwhelming.
4. Speak Their Language: The Daily Meme or Song Share - Your middle schooler lives online. Meet them where they are.
- The Ritual: Make it a daily habit to text them one funny (and parent-appropriate) meme, TikTok, or a song you think they might like. It’s a simple bid for connection that says, “I was thinking of you,” in a language they fluently speak. Don't be surprised if they start sending them back.
5. Master the Screen-Time Pause - It’s the classic scene: you call their name, and they answer with their eyes glued to a screen.
- The Ritual: Instead of talking to the top of their head, walk over, and gently say their name. Wait until they physically look up at you. Then, smile before you make your request. This small shift changes the dynamic from a demand to a moment of human connection. It respects their focus and makes them far more likely to cooperate.
6. The Late-Night Check-in - The bedtime tuck-in is likely a thing of the past. But you can still create a ritual to end the day.
- The Ritual: Before you go to bed, do a quick check-in. Just pop your head in their room and say, “Goodnight, love you,” or ask, “Anything you need before I turn in?” This brief point of contact reinforces your presence and love, even as they navigate their independence.
Why These Tiny Rituals Are Brain-Building Magic
This isn't just fluff; it's backed by science. For a middle schooler, the brain is undergoing a massive renovation, especially in the areas that control emotion and decision-making. Neuroscience shows that these small, positive interactions help regulate their emotional roller coaster and build resilience. When they experience predictable moments of connection, their nervous system learns that home is a safe base to return to after the daily storms of school and social life. A simple fist bump before a big test can genuinely help lower their stress.
The Golden Rule: Be Flexible (and Don't Take the Eye-Roll Personally)
Perfection is not the goal. What your 11-year-old finds hilarious, your 14-year-old may declare “cringe.” Be a student of your child. If a ritual starts to feel forced or gets a consistently negative reaction, don’t push it. Let it go and try something new. The goal is the feeling of connection, not the flawless execution of a specific action. Consistency over time matters more than getting it perfect every single day.
These rituals are the quiet threads you weave into the fabric of your relationship. They won't solve every middle school problem, but they create a deep and enduring sense of belonging that will support your child through these turbulent years and beyond.
So, what’s one tiny ritual you can try this week?
© 2025 Parenting Genius. All Rights Reserved
