Let's be honest, "middle school" and "funny" aren't two words you often hear in the same sentence, unless that sentence is, "It's funny how much I've blocked out about my own middle school years." For many parents, the mere mention of ages 10-14 elicits a low growl, a nervous twitch, and a desperate plea to the universe for a time machine to fast-forward a few years. We envision a dystopian landscape filled with awkward growth spurts, questionable fashion choices, and the pervasive scent of Axe body spray.
But what if I told you that the middle school years, those glorious, often baffling, pre/early-teen years, are actually hilarious and full of possibility? Not just in a "laugh-so-you-don't-cry" kind of way, but genuinely, side-splittingly, what-were-they-thinking funny. The truth is, we parents tend to dread these years because we don't understand the magnificent, chaotic metamorphosis happening before our very eyes. We're too busy bracing for impact and scrambling when things go sideways, when we should be grabbing a bag of popcorn, repairing the guardrails, and enjoying the show.
The Brain: Under Construction (and Clearly Unsupervised)
First, let's talk about the brain. Your sweet, logical, elementary-schooler's brain? It's currently undergoing what can only be described as a complete demolition and rebuild, without any permits or adult supervision.
The prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain that's responsible for things like "thinking before speaking" or "remembering where they put their backpack," is basically a construction site. This area of the brain controls judgement, planning, and self-regulation - the rational and logical center. This explains so much! Why they can quote every line from a TikTok dance but can't remember to take out the trash? Brain construction!
Why their emotions ping-pong faster than a caffeinated squirrel in a pinball machine? Limbic system going wild! The limbic system is the brain's emotional center, and is responsible for emotions, rewards, motivation, memory, and impulses, and it grows faster than the prefrontal cortex.
In addition to those two important areas of change, the brain has two hemispheres, and the thing (corpus callosum) that connects those two sides is also growing, facilitating communication from the creative center (the right hemisphere) and the analytical and logical center (the left hemisphere). But it takes a while for this connection to be complete.
Since these areas of the brain don't develop at the same rate, they can get out of balance. Enter what can look like defiance, lunacy, irrational behavior.
Your role? Sit back, take a breath, grab your (responsible) vice of choice if you need to, and remind yourself that it's not defiance and insanity is not setting in -- it's just their brain yelling, "Warning!!!! Strong emotions coming through! May contain traces of irrational decision-making!"
Think of it as a beta version of an adult, and sometimes the software crashes. Repeatedly. For a few years.
Let's give you a primer on your new tween's greatest drives.
The Quest for Independence: Prepare for Liftoff
Remember how your little one used to cling to your leg at the grocery store? Adorable, right? Well, now they view you as a walking, talking embarrassment, especially if you dare to breathe in their general vicinity in public. This isn't personal; it's a deep, primal urge for independence.
They're like baby birds finally ready to leave the nest, except instead of flying gracefully, they're mostly just flapping wildly and occasionally face-planting.
They're trying on new personalities like cheap outfits from a discount store. One day they're a brooding poet, the next a glitter-loving pop star. This isn't a multiple personality disorder; it's just them figuring out who they are. Identity development is just starting and they figure out what feels right and what doesn't by trial and error.
Your role? Give them lots of rich experiences, offer a reassuring nod, ask them about their experiences, reflect your observations back to them and nurture reflection (i.e. "It seemed that you really enjoyed [insert experience]. What did you like most?"). Beyond that, just sit back and let them experiment; and maybe subtly suggest they ditch the neon green Crocs for something, anything, else.
Peer Pressure: The Comedy of Social Experimentation
Suddenly, their friends are more important than oxygen, and their opinions hold the weight of ancient scrolls. This is where the true comedy begins. You'll witness fashion choices that defy logic, inside jokes that make absolutely no sense, and elaborate social dramas that would make Shakespeare blush.
They're learning the intricate dance of social dynamics, often with two left feet. One day, they're inseparable besties; the next, they're embroiled in a silent war over a shared pencil. It's like watching a real-life sitcom, except you can't change the channel, and you're occasionally called upon to mediate a crisis involving a misspoken emoji.
Your role - generally stay out of it. But offer a hug (with your mouth shut) when a moment of social isolation or friend 're-grouping' hits. This situation, no matter how short-lived, is extremely scarry to a tween because they feel socially unsafe and very vulnerable. Make sure they feel safe, secure, valued, and loved at home - even if they're lashing out at you (again brain car wreck). Tip - might want to take the phone for the night; and encourage them to connect with non-school friends.
The Need to For Respect
While your middle schooler may seem to have the the maturity of a 6-year-old, inside, they are desperately wanting to be treated like an adult - proving that they are more capable than you think. So, maybe they aren't cleaning their room before school yet, or doing their chores without being asked, their brains are making new connections and they have a hard drive to prove that they aren't your "little kid" anymore.
This can be a little crazy-inducing because one day, they'll seem like the 12-year-old that they are, and three hours later they want their lovey, 'blankey', and a snuggle. My son slept with "Blue Blankey" until he went to college - which I learned is "normal", after a bit of hand-wringing and a call to a therapist.
Cue: this is when YOU need to change your primary role from a "caregiver" to a "companion". What does that mean? In short, try to stand by their side (as opposed to standing over them) as you interact with them, assume they are capable (especially when they aren't seeming so), give them support, and allow them to struggle, process, work through things. Resist the urge to sweep in and figure things out for them! First, you risk being bitten for helping. Second, you'll be happily surprised by their thoughts, ideas, and growing capabilities.
Embrace the Absurdity!
So, the next time your middle schooler grunts instead of answers, wears a hoodie in 90-degree weather, or dramatically sighs every time you ask about their day, don't despair. Don't dread. Instead, take a deep breath, maybe stifle a giggle, and appreciate the magnificent, messy, and utterly hilarious journey that is early adolescence.
These aren't years to "get through." They're years to witness the incredible magic trick of a child transforming into a young adult, often with more awkwardness and unexpected twists than a bad improv show. So, grab your popcorn, buckle up, and prepare to be entertained.
After all, isn't laughter the best way to survive anything, especially a household with a middle schooler?
I promise, they'll be fine - and if you learn how to be a great companion, they'll be much better than "fine"!
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